Hi everyone, Roslyn here. As a codependency recovery coach,
Why do codependents try to fix people? It’s a question I’ve pondered for years, both personally and professionally. It’s a hallmark of codependency, this urge to rescue, to repair, to make everything alright for someone else. But what drives it?
Let’s break it down.
A Sense of Control:
At its core, fixing others provides a sense of control. When we’re caught in the chaos of someone else’s life, especially someone struggling with addiction or other challenges, we feel powerless. Trying to fix them gives us the illusion of control, a way to manage our own anxiety and fear. We believe that if we can just do enough, say enough, or be enough, we can change the outcome.
A Need for Validation:
Codependents often struggle with low self-worth. We seek validation from external sources, believing that our value comes from what we do for others. Fixing people becomes a way to prove our worth, to feel needed and appreciated. We think, “If I can fix them, then I’m valuable.”
A Fear of Abandonment:
Deep down, many codependents fear abandonment. We believe that if we don’t fix someone, they’ll leave us. So, we become hyper-vigilant, constantly trying to anticipate and meet their needs. We’re afraid that if we don’t fix them, they’ll realise they don’t need us, and then they will leave.
Enmeshment and Lack of Boundaries:
Codependency blurs the lines between ourselves and others. We become enmeshed, unable to distinguish our own needs and feelings from those of the other person. This lack of boundaries makes it easy to take on their problems as our own. We believe that their happiness is our responsibility.
A History of Trauma:
Many codependents have a history of trauma, often from childhood. They may have grown up in families where they had to take care of others, or where their own needs were neglected. Fixing others becomes a way to recreate familiar patterns, even if those patterns are unhealthy.
The Illusion of Helping:
We often convince ourselves that we’re helping. But in reality, we’re enabling. We’re preventing the other person from taking responsibility for their own life. We’re robbing them of the opportunity to learn and grow.
Breaking the Cycle:
Recognising these patterns is the first step to change. It’s about shifting our focus from fixing others to fixing ourselves. It’s about learning to set boundaries, to prioritise our own needs, and to find our worth within ourselves.
- Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. You’re not a bad person for wanting to help.
- Boundary Setting: Learn to say no, and to create space for yourself.
- Self-Care: Focus on activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit.
- Professional Help: Seek therapy or counselling to address underlying issues.
- Support Groups: Connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
It’s a journey, not a destination. And it’s a journey worth taking. If you find yourself constantly trying to fix others, and you’re ready to break free from these patterns, I’m here to help. Take the first step towards your own recovery.
If you are struggling with relationship issues and would like to explore this further, I offer a relationship quiz on my website. After completing the free relationship quiz, you can book a free discovery call to discuss your results and see if my coaching services could be beneficial for you. I work with clients via zoom or phone across Australia, including major cities like Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, and everywhere in between. Don’t hesitate to reach out – your journey to emotional well-being starts here.
Warm regards,
Roslyn Saunders Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist
