I am Scared That My Boyfriend Will Leave Me: Understanding Codependency and Fear of Abandonment
Hi everyone, Roslyn here. As a codependency recovery coach, I often hear from clients who are grappling with a deep-seated fear: “I am scared that my boyfriend will leave me.” This fear, while common, can be particularly intense for those with codependent tendencies. Today, I want to explore this fear, its roots, and how we can begin to address it.
The Fear of Abandonment: A Core Codependent Struggle
Many of us who have navigated codependency know this fear intimately. It’s that gnawing feeling that, if we don’t constantly strive to be “perfect” or “needed,” we’ll be left behind. This anxiety often stems from past experiences, perhaps childhood traumas or unhealthy relationship patterns, where we learned that our worth was tied to our ability to please others.
For those struggling with codependency, the fear of abandonment isn’t just a passing thought; it’s a driving force. It can manifest in several ways:
Hyper-vigilance: Constantly monitoring your partner’s moods and needs, trying to anticipate and prevent any potential upset.
People-pleasing: Sacrificing your own needs and desires to keep your partner happy.
Fixing and rescuing: Believing that your role is to solve your partner’s problems, often at the expense of your own well-being.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Fearing that setting limits will push your partner away.
Over-analysing: Second guessing every action and word, searching for signs of impending rejection.
Why Do We Fear Abandonment?
This fear often stems from a deep-seated belief that we are not enough. We believe that unless we are constantly proving our worth, we will be abandoned. This belief can be rooted in:
Past trauma: Experiences of abandonment or rejection in childhood or previous relationships can create a blueprint for future fears.
Low self-esteem: If we don’t value ourselves, we may believe that others won’t either.
Unresolved grief: Unprocessed losses can leave us feeling vulnerable and fearful of future losses.
Family patterns: If we grew up in a family where love was conditional, we may carry that pattern into our adult relationships.
How to Address the Fear
Recognising and addressing this fear is crucial for building healthy relationships. Here are some steps you can take:
Self-Awareness: Start by acknowledging your fear. Journaling, meditation, or talking to a therapist can help you identify the root causes.
Build Self-Esteem: Focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Practice self-compassion and learn to validate your own feelings.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” and prioritise your needs. Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.
Reach Out to Roslyn: I provide a safe and supportive space to explore these fears. Through my coaching, you can gain valuable insights and tools for managing your fear of abandonment.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you find yourself thinking, “He’s going to leave me,” challenge that thought. Ask yourself, “What evidence do I have to support this?”
Focus on Self-Reliance: Build a life that is fulfilling and independent of your partner. Focus on your hobbies, friendships, and personal goals.
Professional Help: Consider codependency coaching or counselling. I can help you deconstruct these behaviours and create a new path forward.
My Approach
In my coaching practice, I use a ‘daily deliberate action plan’ to help individuals navigate these challenges. We work together to develop strategies for building self-esteem, setting boundaries, and creating healthier relationship patterns. My goal is to empower you to break free from codependent behaviours and build fulfilling, loving relationships.
Remember, you are not alone. Many people struggle with the fear of abandonment. By understanding its roots and taking steps to address it, you can create a more secure and fulfilling life.
Warm regards,
Roslyn Saunders
Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist (NDIS Provider)
+61 439 338 166
If you are struggling with relationship issues and would like to explore this further, I offer a relationship quiz on my website. After completing the free relationship quiz, you can book a free discovery call to discuss your results and see if my coaching services could be beneficial for you. I work with clients via zoom or phone across Australia, including major cities like Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, and everywhere in between. Don’t hesitate to reach out – your journey to emotional well-being starts here.
Warm regards,
Roslyn Saunders Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist
