Roslyn Saunders, Codependency Recovery Coach:
Hello, everyone. It’s Roslyn, your recovery coach and counselor. Today’s tip is about a topic I want to discuss: how to stop being codependent at work? I have people reaching out to me for that kind of advice, so I thought it might be a good idea for me to give my tips and ideas on that. A reason also, a few years ago, I had a person… Let me tell you a little story about a person. She grew up in a dysfunctional family. Her father was quite abusive and controlling. Obviously, she went on and married a partner like that. When she first came to me, she said, “Ros, I always say if we’re codependent in one area, we’re codependent in every area.” But people can’t often see that. So I said, “What about your workplace?” She said, “No, no, no. Nothing like that happens. It’s only with my significant other.” Of course, we’re with those people who are closest to us as well, and they trigger us more.
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was about six or seven weeks later—I’m not quite sure how long, but a fair time later—she rang me and said, “Ros, I understand what you’re saying now.” Because she felt that the male figures in her workplace were quite controlling, condescending, the same set of behaviors. So that’s my point for today. We take our codependency wherever we are. And I think I’ve said to you many times, when they first come on board, they can’t see it at that stage because the fire that’s burning the brightest is their problem, their challenge, let’s call it a challenge, that they come to me with. But as we work on that challenge, it opens up our awareness, and we start to see it in other areas of our life. That doesn’t mean we have to go around every single area, because as we work, we raise our awareness, and we manage our insecurities. We start putting the steps into place, step by step, and take our power back in these situations. So you might work in a specific area, but over time, you might notice other areas that were concerning you are not as significant or triggering. So when we work in one area, we’re actually doing it for all areas, because we’re raising our frequency. We’re letting go of the events, the thoughts, and feelings, and the events that shape them. We’re managing our insecurities as we change these dynamics in our own behaviors and step into our own power. It can make significant differences in other areas.
Also, I wanted to say that there’s a whole chapter on workplace codependency in my book. And there are stories where you’ll see people have done the same behaviors in their workplace as they have in their personal lives.
Just to recap about how do I stop being codependent at work, I’ve jotted down some notes. Are you sitting in the lunchroom gossiping with other staff members about other staff members? If you are, because we want to take responsibility for our part in it, if you are, start withdrawing yourself from that conversation. Because you can bet your bottom dollar that when you’re not there, they’ll all be gossiping about you. So we start to clean up our own behaviors in the workforce. That’s what we’re talking about today. Do you work ungodly hours at work that are not in your contract or that you’re not paid for? Codependents over-obligate. We want to say, “Look at me, I’m doing all this work.” We kind of derive a bit of value because we don’t feel good, so we want to be recognised from the outside. Healthy acknowledgement is not always welcome, and it’s a wonderful thing.
Do you withhold information in the workplace, maybe sensitive information or information that isn’t quite legal? Information about things going on? And do you not bring them out in the appropriate way because you’re scared of losing your job or saying something about your boss that’s inappropriate? I’m not saying you should just open your boss’s door and go, “Rah! You blah blah blah!” What I’m saying is get support around it and find the best way to do it. Don’t hold onto stuff that you know. Let’s say someone is not valuing the work, speaking detrimentally about the company outside of the company, or stealing things from work. You know it’s going on, but you’re withholding. If you know that, then you’re an accomplice to that in all areas of life. I’m not saying just go. I’m saying get some strength, work out a strategy for you to be at peace and okay in your own skin in the workplace.
Do you not take lunch breaks? This was me. I never took lunch breaks. I never ate properly when I had my businesses. I kind of sounded… You know, and I’m sure I told everybody at the time way back then. We build stories around this. Do you not take lunch breaks and value yourself? Are you at your computer eating your sandwich? Number one, take it away. And a really good idea that a lot of people I know now are doing is they will walk out of the office and go for a little walk, even if it’s 5 minutes around the block, just to clear your head and value yourself.
Do you take extra work home that’s not necessary at night? Oh my goodness. Everybody knows Rosa worked all day, but she went and finished that project last night again. Looking for… I’m talking about a healthy balance of fair exchange here. I’m not saying at some stages there’s a time when there’s a big project or something where there’s all hands on deck, but you’re happy to put that in for that time, knowing it’s a short time.
Are you allowing people to speak to you in a condescending way at work that makes you feel ghastly, feel less than? We work on ways to be able to speak to that person back in an empowering way that doesn’t allow… Remember, we are allowing people to treat us like that because of all of our insecurities. Oh my God, I might lose my job, and they won’t like me at work. So I’d go and do things that I wouldn’t normally do to, again, bottom line, be liked, accepted, and have a sense of belonging. And we’re going outside of our value systems.
Hope that’s helpful today. If you have trouble at work and you feel this codependency, reach out to me. I do 20-minute Discovery calls on my website, roslynsaunders.com.au. There are tons of free resources, and I have the book that you can buy on Amazon. If it’s not available in Australia, you need to search for it on Amazon in your country. People have come back to me and said they couldn’t get it in America, Spain, and Portugal. That’s what you need to do for that.
Until next time, thank you.
