Alright, let’s talk about something I see so often: the struggle to ask for what you want. It’s a common thread in codependency, and it’s something I’ve personally wrestled with for years.
“Why can’t I just say what I need?” It’s a question I hear, and ask myself, frequently. The answer, as is often the case with codependency, is complex and layered.
Fear of Rejection:
One of the biggest hurdles is the fear of rejection. We worry that if we ask for something, we’ll be told no, or worse, that the other person will think less of us. This fear often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a need for external validation. We’ve learned, often from a young age, that our needs aren’t as important as others’. So, we suppress them, hoping to avoid disappointment.
People-Pleasing Tendencies:
Many of us with codependent tendencies are people-pleasers. We prioritise the needs of others above our own, believing that our worth comes from making others happy. Asking for what we want feels selfish, even if it’s a basic need. We’re afraid of disrupting the peace or being seen as demanding.
Low Self-Worth:
Underlying these fears is often a deep sense of low self-worth. We don’t believe we deserve to have our needs met. We think we’re not worthy of love, attention, or respect. This belief can be rooted in past experiences of neglect, abuse, or criticism.
Lack of Clear Boundaries:
When we don’t have clear boundaries, we become enmeshed with others. We lose sight of our own needs and desires, and we become overly focused on the needs of others. This makes it difficult to even identify what we want, let alone ask for it.
Fear of Conflict:
Asking for what we want can sometimes lead to conflict, and many of us are conflict-avoidant. We’d rather suppress our needs than risk upsetting someone else. This fear often stems from past experiences of conflict that were unsafe or traumatic.
The Path to Change:
Breaking this pattern takes time and effort, but it’s absolutely possible. Here are a few things that have helped me:
- Self-Awareness: Start by noticing when you’re suppressing your needs. Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing your best, and that it’s okay to have needs.
- Practice Small Steps: Start by asking for small things, and gradually work your way up to bigger requests.
- Set Boundaries: Learn to say no, and to communicate your limits clearly.
- Build Self-Worth: Focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Practice self-care and self-affirmation.
- Seek Support: Talk to a therapist, counsellor, or coach who can help you work through these issues.
Remember, your needs are valid. You deserve to have them met. Asking for what you want is not selfish; it’s an act of self-respect. And it’s a crucial step in breaking free from codependency.
If you recognise these patterns in yourself and you’re ready to start asking for what you need, I’m here to support you. Don’t let these fears hold you back any longer.
If you are struggling with relationship issues and would like to explore this further, I offer a relationship quiz on my website. After completing the free relationship quiz, you can book a free discovery call to discuss your results and see if my coaching services could be beneficial for you. I work with clients via zoom or phone across Australia, including major cities like Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, and everywhere in between. Don’t hesitate to reach out – your journey to emotional well-being starts here.
Warm regards,
Roslyn Saunders Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist
