Hi I am Roslyn Saunders, Codependency Coach and Addiction Coach.
In my years of guiding individuals through codependency recovery, one of the most common questions I encounter is, “Am I an enabler?” It’s a question that often arises when someone is in a relationship with a person struggling with addiction or exhibiting other unhealthy behaviours.
From my own experiences with addiction in my family, and my work as a codependency coach, I’ve learned that enabling is often driven by love and a desire to protect. However, it can inadvertently perpetuate the very problems we’re trying to solve.
So, how can you tell if you’re enabling someone in your relationship? Here are some key signs:
- Making excuses for their behaviour: Do you find yourself constantly explaining away their actions to others, minimising the severity of their problems?
- Taking on their responsibilities: Are you doing things for them that they should be doing themselves, like paying their bills, covering for them at work, or cleaning up their messes?
- Shielding them from the consequences of their actions: Do you protect them from the natural repercussions of their behavior, preventing them from experiencing the full impact of their choices?
- Putting their needs before your own: Are you consistently neglecting your own well-being to cater to their needs, even when it’s detrimental to your own health and happiness?
- Feeling resentful but unable to express it: Do you harbour feelings of anger and resentment, yet find it difficult to communicate your needs and boundaries
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, it’s important to understand that enabling, while often well-intentioned, can be detrimental to both you and the person you’re trying to help. It can prevent them from taking responsibility for their actions and hinder their recovery.
Moving from Enabling to Empowering
The good news is that you can shift from enabling to empowering. Here are some steps to help you make that transition:
- Honest self-reflection: Acknowledge your enabling patterns and explore the underlying reasons behind them.
- Set healthy boundaries: Learn to say “no” and establish clear limits in your relationship.
- Focus on self-care: Prioritise your own needs and well-being. Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.
- Seek support: Connect with a codependency therapist such as myself. Sharing your experiences and learning from someone with experience can be incredibly empowering.
- Encourage accountability: Support your loved one in taking responsibility for their actions and seeking help for their own challenges.
Remember, moving from enabling to empowering is a journey, not a destination. It requires courage, compassion, and a commitment to your own well-being.
If you’re ready to break free from enabling patterns and create healthier relationships, I’m here to support you. Contact me today for a confidential consultation.
Roslyn Saunders Codependency Coach and Addiction Specialist
