Originally published in “Positioned For Purpose Magazine”
Finding Gold in Silver By Roslyn Saunders
A truism often forgotten in the midst of life’s darkest moments is the one which reminds us there is a silver lining to every cloud.
There is no doubt in my mind this is true. The problem is, when we are deep in the swampy darkness of an apparently insurmountable challenge, it is not only difficult to remember; it seems impossible to believe. Yet, without applying this greater wisdom, there
is no way to face and move through that which we fear most.
Life calls us to be courageous in different ways. My call to courage has been facing codependence in me and my children. Co-dependence may seem like a foreign concept, but in simple terms it is addiction. For most of us this might conjure up the image of a junkie shooting up, but addiction is far more insidious than that. It comes in all forms – work, sex, people, drugs, food, disease, anything. The problem is, if the issue at the core of addiction is not addressed, our addiction merely changes form. In my view, it is the addiction at the heart of all addictions.
My Own Journey
Reflection on a life’s journey raises many questions and, as I’ve found, sometimes does not yield answers. A million times I have asked how the four beautiful babies I mothered became the troubled, unhappy adults who have struggled with alcohol and drug dependency and destructive relationships and behaviours. How did it happen when my vision for them was so much more? With the benefit of continuous education and care of myself, I am able to answer that question now.
Born into a family with a rich heritage of debilitating addictions, in layman’s terms, I was ‘soaking in it’. To the untrained eye, our family probably seemed like most others of the era. Growing up in the Fifties, Dad enjoyed a drink. Mum stayed at home and was the
primary carer. Like many of my generation, emotional issues were not acknowledged, let alone addressed. Considered a source of shame and embarrassment, real issues were buried deep, hidden from public viewing.
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I now know this repression of allegedly ‘dark secrets’ had the very opposite effect, resulting in multi-generational disease and destruction.
Dead at 48, my father’s drinking proved lethal. My mother was a perennial Valium user and suffered a stroke at 55. Although mum ‘survived’ the stroke, she was institutionalised and died some years later. Both parents were heavy smokers. I knew they were ill in
medical terms. What I didn’t understand was the deeper issue at the heart of their destructive behaviours and emotions.
Not A New Disease
Although hereditary, it is not written about in medical journals. No charities have been established to raise funds and sponsor research to find a cure. No celebrity uses their profile to raise awareness. Although as prolific as the common cold, no myriad of over the
counter remedies exist. Through my own experiences, I worked out that it was not heart disease, cancer or alcoholism my parents suffered from. Rather, it was co-dependence, or addiction.
It has taken many years for me to ‘get comfortable’ with that word. Like mental illness, addiction conjures up negative connotations in those with limited awareness. Thanks to my children, I became intimately acquainted with everything addiction had to offer, but not
before I had my own first hand experiences with it.
Ignoring The Symptoms
Like many people I was busy with the busy-ness of life, ignoring what was really going on and making poor life decisions. Compromising my own values in the most effective way, I married an alcoholic.
As a focused over achiever, I established and built several successful hairdressing businesses, both in Australia and New Zealand. This satisfied my need to overwork. Add to this producing and caring for four young children. Not a cocktail in conventional terms, the mix of corrosive relationships, demanding businesses, disease and family ate away at me from the inside out.
I did all things possible to hold it together, but try as I might, cracks appeared in my ‘perfect life’. As though scripted and on cue, the crises emerged. My marriage fell apart. In classic co-dependent (addicted) behaviour I left and returned many times. Financial
challenges befell my businesses. I lost the beautiful riverfront home I had worked for and provided my family. In material terms, I lost it all.
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Addiction Is Hereditary
While devastating, this was nothing compared to the addictions which emerged in my children, who as teenagers, succumbed to alcohol, heroine and marijuana. The very thing I had strived to avoid loomed large in my beautiful kids. Like any parent in similar circumstances, I endured extraordinary duress as I dealt with my defiant, abusive, troubled children. Visits to prison, rehabilitation centres, and hospitals
were frequent. I became hyper vigilant and anxious about my children’s safety and wellbeing. An awful dread found its way to the pit of my stomach and did not leave, as I contemplated the possibility one of them (or worse, more than one) would be found dead.
It overwhelmed and paralysed me at times, leaving me hospitalised more than once and begging medical staff to let me die.
A Life Worth Living
Throughout the difficulties, I found inspiration and courage in education. Via continual personal development and evolution, lights started to come on. I gained insights and wisdom which assisted me to address co-dependent (addicted) behaviour in me. An
invaluable lesson was learning that it started with me.
The first step was getting honest with myself. For years I avoided the raw honesty which alone moves us forward. I stared down the truth that the life I envisaged for my children was not materialising. It was liberating to face this truth, and in doing so, I took a huge leap
forward in overcoming the shame and guilt I had felt for years. No longer injecting the social values of others, I was free to be myself.
The next step was to roll up my sleeves and get to work on myself. Not a journey to be taken alone, I worked with many coaches and mentors, and continue to do so, building a framework of support.
At times there have been backward steps as I removed more and more layers of the onion skin, evidence that the work is ongoing. My best results have been yielded when working with a coach who has been ‘in the trenches’ and walked the path.
Pulling Back
As hard as it was to spend days and nights worrying about my kids, it was harder still to pull back. I learnt that addiction is not a solo sport and my behaviour was ‘enabling’.
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Enabling is abusing the abuser, i.e. when we accept unacceptable behaviour in any form. We are effectively allowing a disease to grow and spread, just like any other illness. If I had continued with my enabling behaviour, I know it would have killed me. Only by pulling
back and caring for myself have I (and my kids) had any chance at survival. Although not proven medically, I believe the work we do on ourselves as parents goes through to the DNA of our children, healing or changing them for better or worse.
My self-care is now, and will remain, my highest priority. It enables me to crystalise and sustain the vision my four children and I will hold a workshop on family addiction. In my vision, I see us all sharing our individual perspective of our shared experiences of the
illness which could have obliterated our family. I also see us taking individual responsibility for our part in the family’s demise and return to health. It is this vision which now replaces the vision I held for many years of me at my children’s funerals.\
An Inspired Purpose
And the cloud’s silver lining? The experience itself has shaped and forged my life’s purpose. Instead of tears for fears, I have tears of gratitude for my life’s experience, out of which my mission has been born.
My inspired purpose now is to assist people to identify and address their addictions, limiting behavioural and emotional patterns, and to overcome these with firm support, measured encouragement, and practical, manageable strategies to achieve sustainable change for life. This is not only possible, but our divine right. When we learn to appreciate all aspects of our lives, both challenge and support, we really see the perfection and blessing that is.
Book a free codependency call
Roslyn Saunders
Founder of Inspiring Greatness
Co-dependence Recovery Coach
Mobile: +61 439 339166
Email: [email protected]
Web: roslynsaunders.com.au
